The Times They are a Changing

This has been a year of change. I rarely straddle the fence when it comes to change. I'm either all revved up and excited or adamantly opposed to it. In the past six months, I've gained a daughter, lost my beloved Granny and "retired" from camping. Gaining our sweet, precious Aubrey Sue has been incredible. Losing Granny and "retiring" perhaps not so much.

I was very, very close to my Granny. When I was little, she kept me while Mom worked and even after Mom was at home, I spent heaps of time at her house. We were so close that when as a very little girl Dad threatened to send me to live with Granny (in a moment of disciplinary desperation, I'm sure), I was all for it and started packing my bags! Her house was a treasure trove of wonderful things to look at, and she was always willing to share those treasures and her skills. She taught me how to quilt, to crochet, to "save" things and had such a deep, amazing love for people. Before we moved to TL, we lived a few miles down the road from her, which was really fun. Sometimes, I'd go grocery shopping with Granny and her buddy Ms. Hazel. They'd take hours to get through Wal-mart because walking and talking didn't go together. We'd walk a few steps, stop, talk, walk and repeat! It was very funny.

In the last few years, due to a lot of circumstances, it was really hard to spend time at Granny's house. We still saw a lot of her, but because we couldn't be at "Granny's", a lot of good times were missed, and there was this burden there. Things needed to be done and intervention required that didn't happen. She died this spring very suddenly--for that I am so glad. Granny just got to go. Ten years ago, my Grandfather died suddenly and shockingly and things just seemed so unfinished. Not so with Granny. Her life was full and settled. Grieving over her has been slow, though. Rather than a big flood of grief and tears, there has been this pounding rhythm under the surface of my daily life: "my Granny is gone, my Granny is gone." I'm making a quilt for Aubrey and can't talk to her about it and show her my neat seams. My Granny is gone, my Granny is gone. The usual weekly letter during camp filled with the latest doings in Mt. Olive didn't come this summer. My Granny is gone, my Granny is gone.

She was a constant in my life. No matter what happened, she was there, her name address and phone number were always my "emergency contact info" for forms and such. Now her phone is turned off and 797-3645 will go to someone else. We are going through her house and things and letting that go has been incredibly hard. The thought of someone else living there and changing all the things I hold sacred is very difficult.

This year also marked an end to an eight year run of being on Summer Staff out here. Right now I am glad to be done with camp. It is impossible to do both camp and my primary job (wife/mommy) well. I'll be out here, but not "here." This is a good thing, but I know that it will not be easy. I'm going to miss the feeling of usefulness and being needed and frankly "in charge" and "in the know." I think next summer, I'm going to feel a total loss of a part of my "identity" when camp starts and I'm not running around, planning, making decisions, on the "radio" and working with staff.

Two things have been "constants" in my life for so long: Granny and camp. I use parenthesis because in all truth they never were truly constant. When the storms come and go all that remains is Jesus. Oh, may I be wise and build my "house" on him. May my hope be in the Rock of my Salvation.

1 comment:

Beth said...

Oh, Paula, what a beautiful picture of your love for your Granny. The ache must be big. I'm so sorry. But I am so thankful for your rest and reliance on Jesus, even in the face of loss. much love to you and your growing family.